Never Say Never
by Original Blue
Summary: What happens to the Naruto Universe when Madara calls for a universal time–out? Chaos, hilarity and unnecessary youthfulness ensue, especially with the Akatsuki, Team Hebi, the Sound Four and many more back in Konoha.
1. Your Attention Please

**Okay, so I know this is kind of confusing. Here are the speech patterns for the different characters:**

_This is Madara Uchiha talking as omniscient god._

**THIS IS ME, THE NARRATOR TALKING, OR BEING REFERRED TO.**

_This is someone thinking._

* * *

_Ahem, inhabitants of the Naruto Universe; May I have your attention please?_

A voice boomed out across the world, making everyone freeze in place as the sun began to set.

Then, throughout every country, hidden village and subsequent Kage tower, there was the sound of coffee, tea and sake being sprayed across the room.

"Yes! Dattebayo! I knew it was all about me!"

There was a thud from the direction of Konoha. "Baka! There's some voice coming out of the sky, sounding suspiciously god–like, and you care what it's calling the world?"

_Yes, as I was saying..._

_Is this thing even on?_

Cosmic microphone tapping made everyone wince and chorus loudly "Yes!"

_Ah, good._

_Well, as I was saying, there's been some change in protocol. My name is Uchiha Madara, and I have been granted temporary control of this universe while __**SHE**__ is on vacation. A few universal–rules are going to change, some old faces might reappear; you know that death is only temporary anyway. Therefore, I've called for a ceasefire. I repeat there is to be absolutely no fighting anywhere._

Howls of irritation came from across the globe, and the two earthbound Uchihas twitched violently.

_I–_

He was cut off by loud swearing and rude gestures in the general direction of the sky.

–_honestly! You're all behaving like children–_

Queues started to form in the streets as people vied to shout obscenities skyward. Hyuuga Hiashi got only a few words out before his eldest daughter swore as she'd been taught by Inuzuka Kiba, startling the clan leader into a blush. In Suna, the Sabaku siblings screamed from the top of the Kazekage's tower, egged on by Shukaku, who was rooting and punching his paws into the air of his mental cage.

_Listen, I know you're a shinobi world and all–_

Deep in a forest, Orochimaru and Kabuto stuck out their tongues and made rude noises of defiance; it was much more impressive than it might otherwise have been considering how long their tongues were. In the Akatsuki's hideout, Konan sighed and her paper creations formed giant letters in the sky that voiced the world's general opinion:

"SCREW YOU."

There was an affronted noise from Madara, wherever he was.

_What choice do you have? If you do not comply, I will inform __**HER**__. __**SHE**__ will not be merciful; in fact, __**SHE**__ will most likely do unspeakable things to you, the likes of which you've never dreamed._

Morino Ibiki, torturer extraordinaire, and Sannin Jiraiya, Konoha's resident pervert, snorted in unison. Obviously Madara had never seen _their_ dreams.

_You require some taste of the horror, I presume?_

There were shouts of "Hell yes!"

_Very well. If __**SHE**__ comes back, __**SHE'LL **__start changing people's genders._

There was instant silence as everyone considered this.

Then there was a quiet creaking as everyone got up and dug out their white flags.

_I suppose you've all seen sense. Since this _is_ the Naruto Universe–_

"Dattebayo!"

–_the center of treaty negotiations will be Konoha. Argue with me and you could wake up without your important bits. All criminal organizations, including those fighting for world peace; busses will be sent to pick you up in a week, so get packed. Remember, no violence, bloodshed or death. So, um, that's it._

The voice sounded almost apologetic.

_I'll be watching and I'll see you in Konoha in a week or two. But you won't see me, obviously..._

Madara sweat-dropped at his own awkwardness; obviously geniuses were built without social skills.

_Just drive safely._

For the third time, a moment of hush fell over the world, broken only when Tayuya of the Sound Four spat on the corpse she'd just strangled and dug in her pockets for a cigarette lighter.

"I hope Nara is right about these things," she muttered, taking a deep draw of smoke, "I'm gonna need to be pretty damn high to survive this."

–––––

Gulping and praying that no one she knew was inside, Haruno Sakura pushed open the door of the adult novel store that Kakashi bought IchaIcha Paradise from.

Ever since the strange announcement had been broadcasted universe–wide a week earlier, Sakura had been searching for a job. Once it had sunk in that no missions meant no paycheck, ninjas from every village had been scrambling for work. Normally, Sakura would have been assured a job at the hospital at least, but suddenly almost no one was getting hurt. It was odd, the way people stopped falling off of ladders when their gender was taken out for review.

The door swung open with a cheerful jingle and Sakura flushed beet red. Nara Shikamaru was rifling through the shelves, a few books already stacked on the counter. He looked up when he heard her and suddenly they wore matching expressions of horror.

"I'm only here to pick up stuff for my dad!"

"I'm only here to get a job!"

They both sighed and smiled slightly, although the cogs were still turning.

"When you say a job–"

"When you say for your dad–"

They fell silent again, crimson from the neck up.

Sakura was the one to break the embarrassed silence. "If you ever talk about this again–"

He held up a hand. "Agreed."

She nodded and watched Shika pay before talking to the woman behind the counter about a night job.

–––––

"But I want to sit next to Sasuke–kun!"

Karin's head of smooth burgundy hair was twitching angrily. She'd been busy loading all of her baggage into the bus and Suigetsu had taken the opportunity to block the aisle, giving their irritated leader three rows of space.

The silver haired missing–nin in question shrugged and grinned, showing all of his teeth.

"First come, first serve–Ow! Hey!"

She'd smacked him in the head. Muttering dangerously, she slipped into the row across from Suigetsu and settled for gazing adoringly over her shoulder at Sasuke's head.

The driver turned to glower at them and pushed his tinted sunglasses further up the bridge of his nose. It was Ebisu. It was always Ebisu. No matter where or when, you could always count on your irate bus driver with a nervous tick to be Ebisu.

Team Taka had a long bus ride ahead of them.

–––––

When the bus pulled up in front of Orochimaru's base, Ebisu was surprised to find five teenagers badmouthing one another and trying to shove the others into the street.

"Oh dear, children!"

There came the Snake Sannin presently, clutching lunchboxes and handkerchiefs.

"We almost forgot these!"

One by one, and grudgingly at that, the teens allowed themselves to be manhandled, and in one case womanhandled, into hugs while Orochimaru beamed proudly. "Come on, Kabuto! We can't dawdle here." He led the way onto the bus and stowed his luggage overhead, smiling as his students filed on and did the same. The bus's engine started almost of its own accord, anxious to be relieved of its terrifying passengers.

"Alright, everyone! Who wants to sing a song on the way to Konoha? Everyone? Oh boy; here we go! Ninety–nine jugs of sake on Tsunade's desk, ninety–nine jugs of sake! Take one down, pass it around, ninety–eight jugs of sake on Tsunade's desk..."

Very carefully, fingers shaking, Ebisu pushed up his glasses and focused on not driving the bus off a cliff in order to stop the inane off–key singing.

–––––

As Kakuzu locked the hideout for the last time, he held his breath and waited. Sure enough...

"Kakuzu, could you open the door again? I seem to have forgotten my acrylic paint set, yeah."

The bus parked outside had been waiting for nearly half an hour as Deidara remembered everything he might not have packed.

Nagato, Konan, Zetsu and Itachi were already in the bus with the recently resurrected Yahiko. None of the Akatsuki members was quite sure about Nagato's place in things, but they weren't about to argue with the man who had threatened to show Konan their porn stash.

The bus also held Kisame, Hidan and Sasori, who were sleeping off hangovers; the neighboring villages had been much more willing to party since the ceasefire had been put into effect.

Kakuzu would have been on the bus if Deidara hadn't insisted on triple checking every piece of clothing he owned and then going back for more. Growing irritated with the blonde missing–nin, Kakuzu decided to lock the door, life him bodily and throw him into the storage compartment beneath the cab.

"Hey–oof!" The door slammed and Kakuzu glared at the bus's occupants as he climbed in.

Ebisu straightened his glasses, sniffed his disapproval and floored it. He'd had enough of Zetsu's plant descriptions to last him a lifetime.

There was a muffled sigh as the bus sped off.

"This reeks, yeah."


	2. There's No Place Like Home

"Hey!"

"No shoving, Kisame!"

"–I swear, if that puppet hits me one more time–"

"–bastard! That was my last fucking one–"

"I dare you!"

"Settle down, morons."

"–but we're out of cookies, Itachi!"

"Whoever has their hand on my ass better move it _right now_."

Getting off the bus just outside Konohagakure was an experience for all of them.

Although they'd been expecting eventual access, it was still a surprise when the guards just waved the missing–nins through the village gates. The exhausted shinobi were prepared to let anyone in unless notified of a change in universal rules.

It was odd, for most of them anyway, to walk through a hidden village with no thought of killing or stealing. The streets were packed with people who didn't know or didn't care that they were Akatsuki (i.e., they pushed back when things got crowded). Once or twice they got odd looks from people whose grandparents they had murdered and occasionally old women would stamp on their feet and apologize profusely, claiming there was a bug, but no one wanted to risk their man or womanhood in confrontation.

"Hi! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! You're the bastards who've been trying to capture and kill me for most of my life, right?"

The blonde Kyuubi vessel had strolled out of seemingly nowhere and was grinning at them in a bewildering way.

Nagato stared at him, Konan sighed and Deidara walked in a complete circle around the Jinchuuriki, trying to get an angle. "Just a little to the left? Good, yeah."

"Deidara, shut up." Nagato's voice was sharp, but his Rinnegan eyes were uncertain. "Naruto, huh? Like from Jiraiya's book? Your parents must have been lunatics. Show us where we're staying or die in the name of peace."

Naruto sweat–dropped and grinned obliviously, leading them towards the assigned apartments.

"So, uh, I guess you guys haven't been to Konoha before?" He glanced at Itachi and gulped. "Well, not recently anyway... the Hokage Tower is over there–" he pointed, "–and the training grounds are that way." He gestured towards the fields set aside for sparring.

"You can get most of your food in the market, but there are some great ramen shops down by the training center if you want..."

He rambled on, not knowing that his words were met with the blank stares of all nine male Akatsuki members.

"...well, uh, here are your rooms!" He fished a key ring out of his pocket. "The numbers correspond with the rooms, so just hand out the keys, okay? And if you have any problems, I'll be over at Ichiraku's or at my apartment..." He handed out maps, his unmatchable determination never faltering in the face of people who had tried to kill him for nearly twenty years.

"I hope you guys have fun in Konoha. Tsunade's not really sober at the moment, but I'm sure Shizune will answer any questions you have. Tonton's her assistant and Shizune's her pet pig... wait, no! I meant to say that Shizune's her assistant and Tonton's her pet pig! You can tell by the way they dress; Shizune's more of an autumn, Tonton's a spring... yeah, so, um, see you around!" He threw them a grin and a hasty wave before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

None of the Akatsuki members moved for a moment. Then Konan grabbed the keys from Yahiko's unresisting hand and found the one that opened the front gate. The men around her were gaping, mouths opening and closing soundlessly. She ushered them in and shut the door behind them, directing them to different rooms up the stairs.

The only female member of the Akatsuki waited until she was alone with Yahiko and Nagato before collapsing onto one of the couches.

"Well, now we know how he's been avoiding us all these years."

Nagato turned to her, looking dazed. "Tactical brilliance?"

She raised her blue eyebrows at him sharply. "What alternate universe are you living in? I was talking about sheer stupidity."

–––––

Choji was sitting at Ichiraku's, nursing his cup of sake and wishing he had the courage or inclination to drink any of it.

"Oi, Choji!"

Shikamaru was waving to him.

"Sorry man, I know you've been waiting. You ready to leave?"

Nodding glumly, the Akimichi boy put some cash on the counter and downed his drink, knowing that he would need all the help he could get. Then he followed the Nara heir towards the Ninja Academy where they were scheduled to take a remedial course in Sex Ed.

After a few awkward incidents with the Hokage, trying to explain succinctly _why_ they had been using pick–up lines from IchaIcha Paradise Volume 2, Tsunade had signed the Rookie Nine's male members up for mandatory lessons on their love lives.

She _never_ wanted to relive the moment when Lee had dropped his spandex in front of Sakura and said, "I think I'm happy to see you, oh flower of youth!" Tsunade had done advanced healing on Sakura's burned retinas for hours afterwards, only to have her work undone when she saw the instant replay on the hospital's security cameras.

The Godaime Hokage was confident it would work; Konoha's Academy had turned out some of the finest Ninjas in any country.

Tsunade was flipping through the file on class, reviewing its objective and chuckling at the boys' imminent discomfort when she did a double take.

She wondered who in hell Jiraiya had bribed to let him teach the class.

–––––

"–after you give her the chocolates. Then you stroke like _this–_"

The boys watched horrified as Jiraiya proceeded to molest the blow–up doll, minds numb with terror. The Toad Sannin had barred the doors and forced them to sit and watch.

"Most of you are almost twenty, in the perfect age to be overcome by hormones! You should want to do things like this to your girlfriends, female friends, hell sometimes even sisters–"

Kiba turned green.

Then someone knocked down the doors, standing in the light like some sort of shining savior to the tormented men before him. He held up a hand in greeting.

"Yo."

Hyuuga Neji fainted in disbelief.

"Sorry I'm late, but there was this poor little cat stuck on the Hokage Tower, and it desperately needed my help." Kakashi winked at them.

Jiraiya looked heartbroken as he held a furiously whispered conversation with the Copy–Nin.

"But I wanna teach them–"

"–Tsunade's orders–"

"–we didn't even get to the third chapter–"

"–I really am sorry–"

"–expect me to work with these guys–"

"–they did let you use the doll–"

"–that they're even male?"

"They're supposed to control their emotions–"

"–not even a decent nosebleed–!"

Their argument ended with Jiraiya trooping dejectedly out, dolls and charts in tow.

Kakashi waited until the doors had been re–barred and the look of certain doom had returned to the faces of his students before glancing up from the latest edition of IchaIcha Paradise. Snapping the orange volume shut, he stood and glanced around.

Choji was staring at him with a kind of sick fascination, eyes dull.

Shino was looking at the ceiling, hands clasped together in prayer, his lips moving fervently in the hope that someone would hear him.

Kiba was whimpering and hugging Akamaru, still tormented by Jiraiya's words about Hana.

Neji was passed out on the floor, bleeding from the ears.

Shikamaru had apparently shut down, because he was rocking back and forth in his chair, twitching madly.

Lee's eyes were sparkling, an expression of enlightenment on his face and a pencil in his hand as he prepared to take notes.

Grinning beneath his mask, Kakashi proceeded to tell them that he had a pressing appointment and the class was dismissed. "You can all go home now. You get A's for today, because you made it through Jiraiya's lecture." No one so much as looked up as he walked by, hands in pockets and left the Academy classroom. They were too busy in their little personal worlds of horror.

–––––

"So this is Konoha, eh? I can see why you left."

Sasuke glared at Suigetsu. They were walking towards the Hokage Tower, hoping they could navigate from there, while simultaneously enjoying the sights of the crowded city. The Uchiha was not happy to be back inside the walls with his team, where they could do the most damage if left to their own devices. The old streets were reminding him why he hadn't wanted to leave Konoha in the first place and was fed up with everyone _looking at him. _His reply to Suigetsu was more out of necessity than inclination to talkativeness.

"We just need to find our way to the apartments they assigned us before they realize who–"

Several teenagers froze around them and started to smile eerily.

"Sasuke?"

"OhmigoditsSasukeeverybodylooklooklook!"

"SASUKE–KUN!"

The youngest Uchiha paled–

_Oh, for the love of god, no!_

–and pointed towards an alley.

"Run!"

He shot between the buildings, blurring with the speed of his passage as his teammates struggled to keep up.

Behind them, the alley was filled with screaming, rabid fangirls who had been waiting seven years for Sasuke–kun to return and father their children.

"SASUKE–KUN! WAIT!"

"I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES!"

"I'LL HELP YOU KILL ITACHI IF YOU'LL MARRY ME!"

"DON'T LEAVE US WITH ONLY NARUTO, SASUKE–KUN!"

–––––

Tayuya's head slowly thudded against the wall as she popped a piece of chewing gum.

"So how's this going to work?"

Sakura didn't answer immediately, taking time to mark her place in the merchandise she'd borrowed momentarily. "Well, usually you pick something out that you like and pay for it. I don't really know if there's any other way."

The only female member of the Sound Four blinked red eyelashes and crossed her arms. "I came here because I was bored, not because I wanted an economics lesson. Let's talk about something else. Are all of your customers just serious frustrated or do you get some serious perverts in here?"

"Well, I wouldn't say perverts, but my old teacher–"

There was a puff of smoke and a sigh from the pink haired kunoichi.

"Yo, Sakura–chan." The Copy–Nin raised a hand in greeting and Tayuya scowled.

"What's with that flashy entrance? Don't you know it's better to conserve chakra for when you're fighting?" He glanced in her direction with his one visible eye.

"Well, considering Madara's ceasefire, I think we can safely assume that I won't need to fight. Unless you're challenging me, in which case I refuse. Although I can certainly recommend you to another Jounin if you need a desperate sparring partner."

She snorted. "As if; I wouldn't train with a Konoha Jounin if you paid me. Got any ANBU that are off duty?"

He grinned.

"All ANBU are off–duty right now."

"They're probably getting lazy, not even training–"

"I'm not."

"You must have cheated on your exams, because there is no way you're ANBU material."

"Do you want to test that?"

Tayuya looked the silver–haired shinobi up and down, smirking.

"You're going to beg for mercy."

Kakashi winked at her and picked a few books off the shelves.

"Sakura, send me the bill, okay?"

Horrified, the Sakura watched them walk out and disappear down a side street. Her thoughts were decidedly morbid. _Ew, ew, yuck, this can't be happening, she's only a year older than me, ew, bleh, oh my god that's disgusting..._


	3. Let Your Hair Down

"Please, save us!"

"No more, please, we're begging you!"

Hidan paused.

He'd been walking around Konoha, searching in vain for a Church so he could make his daily prayers, when he'd been handed a pamphlet about services being held at the Academy. His feet almost weren't fast enough when they said that the sacrificial virgin would be provided. And a goat.

"Why?" It was a reasonable question.

The screams halted for a moment and there were some whispers.

"We'll give you anything you want, just let us out!"

"Anything?" the missing–nin inquired, and there were some more hurried whispers from behind the barred doors.

"Anything except sex."

There was a thud and the voice amended,

"Or Akamaru. Because apparently this troublesome dog is worth more than our lives." Another thump, this time followed by a yelp and low growls...

Hidan blinked. Did he really want to know what was going on in there?

_Hell yes. They can probably get their hands on a sheep to go with the goat and the virgin._

Stepping forward, he wrenched the chain off of the door handles and slid the bar out.

"It's unlocked now," he called, and the door was flung open. Six Konoha Jounin came tumbling out, gasping for air. Hidan noticed that one of them was unconscious, supported by a boy with spirals on his cheeks and a kid in a Jounin vest and a ponytail... "Hey. I think I fought you guys before, right?"

The boy with the ponytail straightened up and grinned, holding out a hand. "Yeah, you killed my teacher. Akatsuki, right?"

Hidan whistled silently and shook the outstretched hand. "I knew there was something familiar about you. You killed me eventually, didn't you?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "You're back. Asuma still visits some times. He's been working on staying permanently, but he's been having some serious arguments with the god people–" he gestured towards the sky, "–who don't want Kurenai's kid to have a father. Apparently I'm supposed to be train the kid and then the kid's going to grow up and create world peace." He sighed. "Troublesome."

"Ahem."

Neji had woken up, wiped the blood out of his ears and nose, and looked like death come early. He took a deep breath, supporting his weight and glaring at everyone around him. It was slightly offset by the creepy smile on his face.

"I think I need a nap."

His eyes rolled back up in head and Shino helped Kiba to catch him.

Hidan snorted.

"He looks like Kisame after he's had a few too many rounds at the strip club's bar."

Five blank looks told him that these kids needed serious help.

"You guys look like you could use some alcohol... let's go get a couple of drinks, and I'll try to explain about the strip club, okay?"

They all nodded vigorously except for Neji, who was blowing snot bubbles out of one nostril. But people tend to ignore ninjas that far off the deep end. Even if they _can_ tell you what color lingerie the girl next to you is wearing with their eyes closed.

–––––

"Pervert–Sannin! Fishy–Face, I de–demand a rematch!"

The Gondaime Hokage swayed in her seat, empty bottles of sake stacked behind her.

"No way, Tsunade. This is the third time we've beaten you."

She smirked and giggled.

"Tha–thatsss because... itss tshwo of you a–aga–against me and ne–neither of you has menopause."

Jiraiya and Kisame traded satisfied glances. What had started off as a simple drink in one of Konoha's bars had turned into a drinking competition of galactic proportions, delving into the Hokage's untouched sake–reserves for extra ammo. They had a tally going, and the latest score was 42/41, with Jiraiya and Kisame in the lead. Both of them knew that there was no chance of beating her solo, so some pride had been surrendered as they teamed up.

"Alright, Tsunade. We'll let you try again. But this time you can't throw up afterwards, alright?"

She gave her former teammate a look of pure disgust, although she wasn't sure if his skin had always been so... blue.

"Do y–you guys throoowww up afterrr? I du–don't."

That having been said, she turned around and wretched into an empty sake jug. Then Tsunade wiped her mouth on her arm and loosened the tie on her belt a little.

"See? I don't... don't throw UUUPPP!" She giggled and grinned, pulling the top off of another bottle with her teeth. "I th–throoooowwww dooooowwwn!" She drained the alcohol from the container and smashed it against the wall. "Oth–Otherwiiise it wu–would get aaaaallllll over the scheelling, right?"

Tsunade smiled broadly.

"Whu–whaaat do w–we aim for nu–nu–nexttt, gentlemenn?"

The Hokage slumped onto her desk, snoring and drooling slightly on her paperwork.

Excitedly, the two men turned and pumped their fists into the air.

"Score!"

–––––

"Oi! Not there, Mister let's–check–if–I'm–ANBU!"

There was a moment of silence and a thud on one of the walls. Then heavy breathing, the sound of something shattering and the whispered release of a clone.

Tayuya paused.

"Oh. Alright then. Go ahead."

A muffled thump and a yelp echoed through Kakashi's kitchen.

"–goddamnitItoldyouIdidn'tbendthatwaywhydidn'tyoulistentom–OH!"

There was a spray of water.

"Better?"

She shook her head, coral locks clumped together.

He held up the can of whipped–cream, doing his best to look pitiful.

"Oh, all right. But this time you take the damn mask off or I'll rip it off."

Kakashi sighed. "I guess there's no reasoning with you. I'll just have to make sure you're unconscious for this bit."

Tayuya smirked and got off of the Copy–Nin's counter, holding a Kunai in one hand and a bottle of chocolate sauce in the other.

"Try me."

She was prepared to get the mask off at _any_ cost.

After a few minutes there was a scream.

"OHMYGOD!"

Kakashi looked up smugly.

"And you wondered if I was ANBU."

–––––

"You got weed?" Yahiko said incredulously, sipping his sake.

Konan shrugged. "I just asked Yamanaka Ino, that's all. You know, the one whose family's into botany and flower sales? She says she's high as a kite when she's not training. I believe her; you'd have to be high to develop the 'Mind Transfer Jutsu.'"

Nagato took a deep draw and breathed out, passing it to his orange–haired friend.

"That's good stuff," Yuhiko said finally, when the sparkly kittens with top hats had stopped dancing in front of his eyes.

Konan nodded, giggling slightly and taking a chug of her sake.

"I'm gonna have to thank Ino for this, seriously..."

The other two nodded in agreement, the fumes of their indulgence wafting above them. They were seated on the floor in Konan's room, food spread out in front of them and grins on their faces as the world spun by in pretty colors.

They were laughing and drinking, eyes heavily lidded when suddenly Yahiko turned to his blue–haired companion.

"Konan, are you a girl?" he asked, his voice full of wonder.

This started a barrage of snorts and giggles.

"Ye–yes, Yahiko, I'm a girl. Why?"

He smiled lazily. "You just don't seem like a girl a lot. Sorry."

It was impossible to irritate her, as far gone as she was. She flapped a hand at him.

"Nah, it's okay. We just wear the stupid cloaks all the time and cloaks make you sexless. Besides, I have boobs. See?"

She lifted her shirt and sipped her sake, hiccuping.

Nagato waved a hand in dismissal. "Yeah, we get it, Konan, you're a girl.

That started another round of toasts, the fourteenth in honor of Ino.

"But Konan," Yahiko said slowly, "Akimichi Choji has boobs, sorta. Remember, the kid with the spirals on his cheeks and the weird hair?"

"Yahiko, Akimichi Choji is a stud; his man–boobs just accentuate that."

Konan took another sip of her sake and then spewed it out as she realized what she'd said.

"Did you really say that?" Nagato asked, his voice wondering.

She nodded, blushing as they all collapsed into laughter.

"I must be–" she hiccupped "–I must be really fucking high. You guys should see the things going through my mind of me and Choji right now, it's like the latest version of IchaIcha Paradise..."

Yahiko snorted into his sake and took another drag. "We need to take some of this back to the hideout, man. This is the shit that's gonna chill Itachi waaaaaaay out."

They traded glances and giggled.


	4. Unexpected Visitors

"So the whole point is to let someone understand that you enjoy being with them?" Choji asked, already on his third shot and counting.

Hidan nodded. "I know this is kind of fucking deep, especially coming from a bastard like me, but it's like falling into a vat of meth. It's sensory overload."

"I wonder if it'll ever happen for me." Shino shrugged at their incredulous looks. "Everyone thinks bugs are creepy, and my whole clan expects me to bring home a different girl every other night."

Everyone sighed.

They were in a private room behind one of Konoha's rowdiest bars. Earlier they had crept through the dark streets, praying that no one saw them in their disheveled states. Hidan had bought the alcohol, Shikamaru had brought a deck of cards for poker and Choji managed to find kabobs and dango at around midnight.

"So now that you guys know about the mental aspect of love, what about the physical?"

The guys who had been present for Jiraiya's horror show shuddered and exchanged glances.

"We don't want to know a damn thing about _that_ kind of love," Neji said, finally conscious and no longer sober. "That was absolutely _disgusting_."

The other boys nodded their agreement and Hidan sighed again, scratching his chin.

"Whatever that creepy ass guy said was just the perverted shit he gets off on. The real thing is way different; it's like getting high times a thousand."

Instantly all eyes were focused on him.

"Are you serious?" Lee whispered, uncharacteristically quiet.

Hidan nodded. "Let me get one of Jiraiya's books out–" they all cringed as he pulled one of the volumes out of his pocket, "–and tell you what I'm talking about."

They sat there for a while as Hidan explained to them how much fun it was going to be once they got up off their lazy asses and took the initiative. Everyone, even Neji, was stunned by his succinct and strangely appealing explanation of sex.

Lee was the first to pipe up when the silver haired Akatsuki member stopped to breathe for a moment.

"So this is what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much?"

Hidan sighed. These innocent people... they were completely missing the point.

"No Lee," he said patiently, "This is what happens when a man and a woman want to get inside each other's pants."

–––––

"Surprise! Guess who it is, Anky!"

Mitarashi Anko stared in horror at the man standing on her doorstep, if he could even be called a man anymore. The Snake–Sannin's power may have grown but his sense of style had not improved at all.

"Look at this place, isn't it adorable?" Orochimaru giggled, "It reminds me of the bad old days, when I was still loyal to Konoha." He sat down on her couch and examined a vase next to him.

It took all of Anko's carefully gathered self–control not to strangle her former sensei.

"Orochimaru," she said through gritted teeth, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

The man flapped a hand and her and crossed his legs. "I just wanted to see you, Anky! It's been so long, and I thought we were overdue for a visit." He squealed, his hands going to his face. "You kept a picture of us! I never thought you'd keep one!"

Orochimaru shuddered suddenly and his hands flew to his face, where his features almost seemed to melt like wax.

_Oh no,_ thought Anko as she watched him slip his fingers around the edge of his face, _He's shedding his skin in my living room._

He peeled slowly, ignoring her gagging sounds, and she saw the face underneath. It had harsher planes, more masculine... was it really him?

"Aaaahhhh..." he said, his voice back to its snake–like hiss. "Anko. I'm ssorry about all that fussss, but using a woman'ss body sseemss to make me more feminine." He smiled, his tongue darting between his teeth. He looked her over, pupils slits. "You know, when I was training you, I don't think I truly appreciated how ssmooth your sskin musst be, how ssoft your lipss..."

She cocked a violet eyebrow.

"Are you hitting on me?"

He shrugged, edging closer.

"That dependss on how you ansswer. Wanna find out jusst how long my tongue iss?"

Those were the last words the Snake–Sannin spoke before his former pupil smashed him into a wall and jumped up and down on him until she was satisfied.

_Mitarashi Anko._

She sighed and answered the voice.

"Yes, Madara?"

_You just broke the agreement._

She gestured angrily towards the moaning heap of purple flesh that was Orochimaru.

"I was provoked! Have you ever had a former teacher try to cop a feel? He's about twenty years older than me and a slimy piece of pedophile with a tongue longer than a light pole!"

She glared at the sky where the sun was barely rising.

There was a dramatic sigh.

_Oh, alright. I suppose that _is_ why I never invited him to my Christmas parties. I'll let you off the hook this time, but next time just lock him up, alright? I'm sure you can file charges if you try hard enough._

Annoyed but satisfied with the answer, Anko climbed out of her chair and dug in weapons pouch until she found a match. She struck it between two fingernails and set fire to the couch Orochimaru had been sitting on.

Then she sat there for two hours and happily watched it burn.

–––––

_Might I have a word?_

"What do you want?" The question was almost snarled, and made the hairs on the back of Madara's neck stand straight up.

_No need to be touchy, Hanabi. I was just curious about you. You're the unknown factor of infamous Hyuuga clan, and no one seems to know a thing about you, even your own sister._

She looked dubious.

"If this some perverted stuff, I'll blast you into yesteryear."

_Calm down, for Kami's sake... I just wondered why you never talk. And from what I've heard in this conversation, I assume it's because you're a frigid ice queen with a horrible disposition. Am I right or am I right?_

"Am I allowed to hurt you?"

_No._

"Are you recording what I say?"

_Not in a manner of speaking. Think of it as a therapy session._

She narrowed her pale eyes in suspicion.

"Can this be traced back to me in any way?"

_No. Now stop avoiding the question: Why don't you ever talk?_

"Will you leave me alone if I tell you?"

_Maybe._

Hyuuga Hanabi shrugged, and decided that it was the best offer she was going to get.

"Alright, I'll tell you, but you can't laugh. And if you tell anyone else, I'll castrate you."

Madara started sweating.

"It all started when I was little. I could see little gray things on the edges of my vision. Then they trained me to use my Byakugan and I understood what it was." Her voice had fallen to a whisper and she had inexplicably leaned forward.

"I see dead people."

Now it was Madara's turn to choke on his drink.

_You _what_?_

She nodded. "I knew you would take it hard. Everyone always does. But really, it's not creepy at all, seeing ghosts. I mean, I talk to my grandparents and stuff, so it's kind of cool."

She got the feeling he was edging away from her.

"Hey, you're not going to run off and do something stupid, are you? I told you what you wanted to hear, right. Now leave me alone and don't tell anyone, 'kay?"

_Um, yeah... that's fine... I won't tell anyone. So, bye, I guess..._

When she was sure he was gone, Hanabi got up and shut the windows, smiling.

"That'll teach him to mess with me." She grinned, the light reflecting off her bright eyes.

–––––

"You're going to like it whether you want to or not. Your pride as a man depends on it." Hidan blinked, sobering slightly. "Did I already tell you the shit about certain times of the month when you're not allowed to feel her up?"

They nodded gravely and he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Listen, you morons... I've pretty much covered all the bases. It's supposed to be lust, not love. Just go for it and have fun. And make sure you get her to do this one." He pointed out a scene in the book and everyone studied carefully, occasionally taking notes.

"But how do we get her to do that one? I mean, the bit with her legs like that–"

Hidan cut Choji off. "Convince her."

"Hey guys."

They all jumped at the unfamiliar voice and Kiba let out a most undignified shriek of alarm, followed by a yelp from the Hyuuga prodigy.

"Lee, get off me–"

"But Neji, my flower of youth was scared! I turned to you for protection–"

"If you ever want to have children with Sakura then stop groping me."

"Um, what's going on, guys?"

Slowly the green beast backed off his teammate and everyone turned to stare.

Kankuro was standing next to Temari wearing an equally confused expression. The Kazekage was leaning against the door, nonexistent eyebrows raised. Shikamaru had opened his mouth to answer Kankuro's question when Gaara cut him off.

"Excuse me, but convince who to do what?"


	5. Bad Pickup Lines

"Well that was weird," Naruto muttered as he walked towards the Hokage's tower to report his mission as a success. Tsunade would like to know that Konoha's greatest enemy was settling in well. He'd even seen some of them _buying groceries._ How weird was that? Only a month ago, he'd been begging to go destroy them once and for all. Actually, he was heading to Tsunade's mostly because he knew that Sakura would be there, and he wanted to see her.

"Psst, dobe."

His head shot up and he stared.

"Sasuke?"

The dark figure glanced around and pulled his collar up to hide his face. He was panting slightly, a harried look in his eyes.

"Not so loud, dobe. It's me."

Now that he had stepped out of the alley, Naruto could see that it _was_ Sasuke. He looked nervous. That seemed peculiar to Naruto; nothing fazed Sasuke, and if it did, he never showed it. Something must be very wrong for him to be this panicked.

He frowned and stepped towards his old friend. "Something wrong, teme?"

Sasuke shrugged, but Naruto could see his eyes darted around, sharingan activated.

"What happened to your team?"

"I had to ditch them. Too slow." He was still breathing heavily, Naruto noticed.

"Do you need someplace to stay, or are you covered?"

Again, Sasuke shrugged. Naruto was beginning to get irritated, so he did what he always did.

"Let's go to Ichiraku's and pick up some ramen. You can eat it at my house; you look like you need some place to sit down."

Uchiha Sasuke threw him a look of pure relief. He had it under control immediately, and he managed to say gruffly:

"Thank you, Naruto. I accept your offer of food and place to eat it."

Still unnerved by his odd behavior, Naruto just nodded and started walking to Ichiraku's. He was stopped by a low cough.

"Um, is something wrong? Are you sick?"

Sasuke's eyes darted through the crowd.

"Can you go pick it up? I'll meet you at your house."

Before Naruto could agree, Sasuke froze and stared at an alley across the street. The Kyuubi vessel could tell that becoming missing–nin had knocked a few screws loose; killing his older brother, only to have him come back, had not helped.

"Eh, teme, there's nothing–"

Sasuke put a finger to his lips, crouching slightly behind Naruto. Sure enough, there was a faint vibration. Figures could be seen, pressing against the buildings, shouting and wailing indistinctly. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"What is tha–"

Sasuke cringed.

"LOOK EVERYONE!"

"IT'S HIM!"

"SAAASSSUUUKKKE–KUN!"

Naruto turned to his former best friend, who was sweating visibly, limbs shaking.

"How long have they been chasing–"

"Since yesterday."

"And you didn't try to find Sakura?"

The youngest Uchiha looked at him in amazement, eyes slightly glazed from fear.

"Sakura?"

Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You've been gone for a long time, teme. Sakura is the bane of all fangirls' existence, remember? If you're within fifty meters of her, they'll leave you alone."

"Where is she?"

He gestured towards the Hokage tower. Sasuke turned to look.

For a moment, Naruto could have sworn there were angels singing hallelujah in the background. Nevertheless, by the time he'd blinked, Sasuke was running full tilt towards the tower, dodging old women and the many copies of Konohamaru doing punishment work around the city.

"OHMYGAWDSASUKEYOUSWEETHEARTYOUWAITEDFORME!"

Just for a moment, Naruto felt very sorry for Sasuke.

–––––

Kurenai was walking down the street, toddler on one hip when there was a loud crash from inside her house.

"For the love of Kami!"

She knew that voice. She ran inside.

It was him, he was lying on her kitchen floor, pots and pans lying around him.

"Asuma!"

He looked up lazily, eyes still spinning, and grinned.

"The one and only. What's up, Kurenai?" He seemed to focus on the child. "Is he yours?"

Mutely she nodded, still in shock.

Asuma sighed and laid back. "Well, at least I can play shougi with Shikamaru again. I wish you'd waited for me, then we could have gotten married. Jeeze, I was only gone a few years. Who's the lucky guy?"

"You moron, he's yours!"

Asuma shot up and hit his head on an open cabinet door. He cursed and sat up straight. "You mean, he's–I–" he gulped "I'm a father? He's my son?"

Kurenai nodded, smiling wryly. "That's usually how it works. And if you think you're backing out of it this time, you've got another thing coming. Now explain to me how in hell you got here."

"So, when I died, I went to this heaven–ish place where there was free sake all the time and they have shougi tournaments for fun. Then I remembered that I hadn't wanted to die."

She gave him a severe look as he shrugged; he'd forgotten about her?

"Well, I've been arguing with Uchiha Madara and this blonde demon woman named Rachel and her dog for a couple years now. Madara was all for letting me see you guys for a while, but **SHE** felt like Shikamaru needed the mentor experience. I didn't really understand it at the time, but I just wanted to see how everyone was doing, especially you, of course. I helped Rachel out, walked her dog a few times so she could draw more, and she relented. But I've only got clearance for another few weeks; they're really stinting on visas at the moment, so I was lucky. My dad might even stop in for a while, to check up on Naruto, and Tsunade, and his ... grandson. I guess I better make the most of this, right? Babe?"

His grin got exponentially wider.

Kurenai didn't like the strange look in his eyes, and his muddled explanation was nowhere near enough for her. She had no idea what he meant when he was talking about the 'blonde demon' or passes from the next world. Did gods usually grant visas?

"Don't call me babe. I'm calling Shikamaru."

She left Asuma lying there, dazed and bewildered, and set her son down in the kitchen to play with his father. She watched them for a moment; Asuma sneezed once and the toddler sneezed twice in return, giggling. She knew they would get along swimmingly. _Well, he is his father's son._

Then Kurenai went upstairs, locked herself in a closet and did her victory dance for ten minutes.

–––––

"So you actually work here? You're not just faking me out?"

Tenten ground her teeth and thumped a fist on the counter.

"You got a problem with that, puppet boy?"

Kankuro smirked and downed a shot.

"Just wondering. You don't look like the kind of girl who would work here."

Biting her lip to keep from cussing out a customer, Tenten turned around and started cleaning glasses.

"So when do you get off?"

She froze and slowly turned to look at him. "Are you asking me ou?" she accused quietly.

He shrugged. "I'm in Konoha for a few weeks with Gaara and Temari, so I figured I might as well make a few friends."

Tenten snorted. "Your sister almost shattered my spine and busted my internal organs. Your brother nearly killed Lee, and he still isn't the same. You Suna boys sure know how to make a girl feel special."

Kankuro stood up. "So what – are you going to tell me when you get off, or am I going to have to stalk you?"

Making up her mind, Tenten flashed him a quick grin. "I get off at ten. If I see you back here before then, I'll kick your ass to the curb."

He blew her a kiss, smirked at her blush and walked out, whistling.


End file.
